| I didn’t have a safety net when I took the leap into entrepreneurship. The little bit of savings I did have was quickly being eaten up by the costs of starting my business.
I’d left my 15 year career in education and broken up with my live-in partner at the same time, severing all ties to what was once my foundation of safety and security.
By the grace of God a generous angel gave me her Malibu beach house to stay in while I got on my feet so at least I wasn’t homeless.
But getting my business going was taking longer than was comfortable for me (which I now know was a wildly unrealistic expectation to think I’d be profitable immediately). As my savings dwindled and my business did nothing but go deeper into the red…I started to panic.
I’d left the security and comfort of everything I once knew. The safe job. Sure it was draining and required me to abandon my deepest values to appease a dying institution but those regular paychecks sure made me feel “safe.” And the relationship I knew in my heart wasn’t right was at least a bit comforting as he could pay for things while I built my business.
but nooooo…I had to go and listen to my heart and burn all those bridges to be in integrity with my soul and take the wild leap into the unknown.
So there I was in this stunning Malibu beach house feeling absolutely terrified and full of shame that I had no money. No clients. And my temporary stay in paradise would soon be running out.
One day it was all too much. The old sense of security of [half hearted] relationships and [soul stifling] career were completely gone. I was too far to turn back but I had nothing to grasp on to yet and my faith in the absence of evidence had now vanished. Leaving me feeling hopeless.
I stood in my room staring at the ocean when the darkest most shame filled thoughts came over me.
“I’ve fucked it all up.”
“I’ve got nothing and no one.”
“I might as well be dead.”
The ocean whispered promises of release. I could simply swim out to the depths and surrender to her embrace. Peacefully dissolve into her vastness.
I envisioned the steps: down the stairs, across the sand, to the point where the ocean floor drops away, leaving only the cold, dark abyss. A perfect place to call it quits.
Closing my eyes, I saw it all play out. Relief, at last, from the perceived wreckage of my life.
But then, I opened my eyes.
And what I saw snapped me out of my downward spiral...
A coast guard emergency boat.
Parked in the exact spot where I had envisioned surrendering myself to the sea.
I recognized it immediately as the Divine Intervention it was. A reminder from The Universe to keep going and that I am always supported and guided.
In the years since that day, as I've guided thousands of visionaries through their own transformations, I've come to understand those "thoughts of death" weren't meant to be literal.
They were a signal.
A sign that a part of me was dying. Making space for something new to be born.
I came to realize that this process – of dying and being reborn – is simply part of our evolution as soul-led humans. To truly answer your calling, your "small self" will have to die many deaths.
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